I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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