I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
