i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize