my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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