she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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