Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
