Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
