Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
