My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
