I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
