I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
