I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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