Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
