Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize