he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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