I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
