At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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