I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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