just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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