Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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