I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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