i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
