Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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