have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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