Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize