I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
