I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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