i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
