don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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