I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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