I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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