Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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