I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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