I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
