My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
