can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize