oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We need to rekindle our bromance
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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