the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
