I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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