i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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