You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize