Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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