just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
