just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Randomize
