And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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