i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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