Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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