If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
so much tequila, so little girl.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
