you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Randomize
