I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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