oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
