I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
