the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
