just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
