Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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