i may or may not be watching the land before time
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
