My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Randomize
